The Jet Blue Flight Attendant's Big Moment vs. Boundaries and Moderation?

The Jet Blue Flight Attendant and His Fifteen Minutes of Fame


We all love big moments where the underdog tells the perpetrator off, and tells them off in a big way. In the movie Network, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore,” or when an exhausted and disgusted Rhett Butler tells Scarlett O’Hara “Frankly, my darling, I don’t give a damn.” And yes, when Steven Slater, the Jet Blue flight attendant went postal, and told the rude customer (and entire plane) off once and for all. He then grabbed some beer, inflated the inflatable slide (those things really inflate?) and made his dramatic exit. Now, he will likely lose his profession and have some pretty significant legal problems, but he has become something of a hero to the average American.

Okay, I understand the wish for the big moment. But, there might be a more moderate way to express oneself and get ones needs met. My guess is that Mr. Slater enjoyed his work as a flight attendant and just wanted to be respected and appreciated for his hard work. When he was faced with entitlement, hostility, and aggression from an unappreciative passenger, it was the last straw.

We all have close intimate relationships where the principle of moderation is necessary and appropriate. (I’ll write about that later). It also applies to workplace relationships with colleagues or the public. Face it; we are all in some kind of service industry. We are all selling something. Therefore, we have to negotiate those little relationship dilemmas of everyday life, including a minor but hostile attack with a suitcase from a tired and irritable passenger. In Slater’s case, a customer, who, paid his salary.

I use the metaphor of a pressure cooker. Life is intense, the pressure is always building. We need to have that little escape valve, so the pressure is being released in a slow and steady way. And when the pressure gets stuck, the pot blows up. (I am remembering an ugly image of peaches splashed all over the walls when the pressure release valve got stuck).

To navigate the ups and downs of the daily pressure cooker, I recommend approaching relationships as a practice, something you do a little at a time, one day at a time, and one moment at a time. Part of relationship practice is working your boundaries. Boundaries enable us to be safe in relationships. We have a protective boundary, which is like an imaginary shield. If an unwarranted insult comes our way, we have this boundary in place, and the insult just bounces off. We give it no power. We also need a containing boundary. This is something like a wetsuit that holds in the emotions until we can process them and let them pass. The containing boundary keeps us from being offensive.

To function effectively in relationships, we all need protective and containing boundaries. They help us to live moderately. Mr. Slater seems to have had a broken pressure release valve. Now he has the media spotlight, but he also has a big nasty mess of blown up peaches that will surely outlast his fifteen minutes of fame. Moderate relational living with healthy, clear protective and containing boundaries will not likely get you national media attention, like Mr. Slater got. But face it, how many of the “big moments” where we tell them off, get us the attention we really want? They usually leave us alone, lonely, and sometimes unemployed.

What Can We Learn About Choosing from The Bachelor/Bachelorette?

What are we going to do about The Bachelor/Bachelorette?


Here we go again. We have a beautiful new couple that is the result of the ABC TV series, The Bachelorette. The country is on pins and needles. Will they last longer than six months or will we soon be hearing horror stories of post-limelight breakup? Idealized fantasies of love and romance die hard. I suppose that is why so many millions tune in and can immediately put faces to the names “Ali and Roberto” … or “Trista and Ryan” or “Vienna and Jake.”

The Bachelor shows are an idealized version of the dating and mating dilemma. Dating is a necessary step in the formation of couples and eventually families, so why not do it on national TV if one gets a chance? I only wish the contestants were required to read John Van Epp’s How To Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk prior to taping. Clearly they don’t, though, because most of the relationship lessons found in the Bachelor shows are about what not to do.

For example, our most recent blissful couple: Jake, the Dudley-do-right airline pilot from Texas. He was our hero, the last of a dying breed of good guys. Jake, old boy, I thought we could count on you to choose a woman who was ready to be cherished. What happened? He chose the woman who gets my vote as “the hottie least ready to take home to your mother” that the show has ever produced, Vienna. Now, how did the discerning viewer predict the short-lived nature of this romance? Among many conspicuous concerns, Vienna was hated by all of the female contestants with whom she shared the house. She even seemed to enjoy being hated and cared only about winning. This leads to the first rule for ordinary, non-TV couples: Crowds have wisdom. If everyone in your circle hates the person you are dating, chances are good they see something to which hormones are blinding you.

A second glaring issue presented in living color by Vienna: she had no girlfriends in the house. If you are with a person who has no same sex friends, he/she will probably have a very narrow way of dealing with stress when it hits. Strong friendships outside of your marriage ultimately protect your relationship from unnecessary pressures.

I’m sure that we will get back to The Bachelor/Bachelorette later. It is my favorite reality train wreck, and I simply can’t help watching. For now, the message is this: when you are choosing a partner, do so carefully. I usually see couples when they are disillusioned with marriage. A great deal of pain could be avoided by paying more attention up front.

Mel Gibson Got it Right . . . 28 Years Ago

Oh, Mel, what’s happened to you?


Of course I’m referring to Mel Gibson. The same Mel Gibson with magnificent blue eyes and the face of a romance novel hero who used to leave women swooning at his feet. The same Mel Gibson who raised seven children with a wife he’d adored for 20-plus years. The same Mel Gibson who won sexiest man of the year and went to mass every Sunday.

This Mel Gibson now screams at us from the television, in scratchy recordings. He rages at the mother of his child, gasping tortured gulps of air in a vain attempt at calming down. He rants in a frightening voice, the decibel level that is terrifying even to hear as a curious listener. He uses so much profanity that a mechanical bleep obscures every other word.

It is disturbing, of course, to hear anybody scream at his partner with such venom, to say such ugly things to her, to be so terribly out of control. Mel was already Enemy No. 1 after his anti-Semitic, drunken rant from 2006. These tapes don’t help him. Now he’s the most hated man in America.

Sigh.

I can’t possibly defend Mel Gibson. Who could? But … yes, there is a but. As a therapist, I am more intrigued by his wife, Robin – the woman to whom he was married for 28 years, the woman who defends him and says she never saw any bad behavior from him all those years they were married. It takes courage to stand up and defend a soon-to-be ex-husband in his darkest hour.

Whatever troubles became the Gibsons’ undoing, there appears to have been a solid partnership for 28+ years. Mel seems to have chosen wisely when he was selecting a life partner. One of Mel’s wiser life decisions was choosing to marry Robin, I suspect.

I see couples and often wonder how in the world they chose each other. What made these two people think this pairing was a good idea? The choice of a marital partner is one of the most critical ones a person makes. This simple choice sets many aspects of life into motion. What traits do you look for when you are deciding whom to marry?

Psychologist Robert Sternberg suggests that when passion, intimacy, and commitment are all sustained at high levels, the ideal pattern---consummate love----is the result. Understanding your relationship in terms of passion, intimacy, and commitment can help you know which areas are strong and which ones need work.

For example, if you have high passion, but little intimacy or commitment, you have infatuation. While this is exciting, it doesn’t last. Or when a love is based on commitment, such as in an arranged marriage, the result is empty love. It lacks the passion of sexual desire, and the intimacy of knowing each other well. And, a marriage that is based on deep affection and commitment, but lacks passion, is a companionate love.

If you are trying to make a decision about a partner, or to improve a partnership you are already in, look at your passion, intimacy, and commitment. Is one area lower than the others? Think about how you can make improvements in the weakest area. An infatuation, companionate love, or empty love could develop into a consummate love, with the right two people making effort.

Back to Mel and Robin: I don’t know if it is too late for them. But from this outside perspective, my guess is that at one time they had high levels of passion, intimacy and commitment. Twenty-eight years of marriage is nothing to sneeze at. Don’t stone me because I am saying something nice about Mel. I don't know what's up with him right now; but 28 years ago, he did something right.

Who Needs Another Blog?

So, what’s a self-respecting therapist doing writing a blog? Aren’t therapists supposed to be serious people who analyze the deep, dark souls of their clients and dazzle those same clients with insight?


Well, not exactly.

I’ve decided to blog because of what I see in the world around me. I work mostly with couples. I watch them struggle to discover how to get along, fight fair, face tough problems. I also live outside my office and see dozens of examples of relationships in pop culture. Some examples stun me with their grace. Barack and Michele Obama appear to walk the tightrope of the white house and still smile at each other across the room of a state dinner. Other examples are less stellar. The nightly news screams out about the infidelity of the week – yet another famous politician or celebrity who’s admitted to an affair. The paparazzi “catch” a starlet in a compromising position. A 40-year marriage dissolves because the couple “grew apart.”

Pop culture is full of examples of relationship dilemmas just like yours and mine. Whether it's reality TV, movies, books, or celebrity gossip, people's lives overflow with relationship lessons. We can learn from them – what to do and what not to do. Maybe we'll even find a lesson in The Bachelorette?

That’s why I’m writing a blog - to explore the wide, wonderful mud puddle we live in and see what’s out there.